From Frustration to Clarity: Enhancing Relationships with Open Communication

Ever felt like you're speaking a different language from your partner, even though you're both using the same words? You’re not alone. Many relationships hit a snag when unspoken expectations and indirect hints cloud the conversation.

What if you could turn that frustration into clarity?

If you understand one of the common (yet often unsuccessful) strategies we humans use in our psychology, you can transform those desperately frustrating moments into opportunities for connection.

In this article, we'll dive into one such strategy and show how approaching communication from a more vulnerable and ultimately more honest place can lead to a more satisfying and harmonious relationship.

Imagine walking into an ice cream shop with all the additional toppings you can choose to adorn your ice cream with—chocolate chunks, crushed peanuts, mini marshmallows, dehydrated pineapple chunks… you name it.

Let's pretend you have a hidden desire that you aren’t allowed to express.

That desire? You desperately want to have the multicolored sprinkles (hundreds and thousands in this part of the world) topping your ice cream.

You just love the way they brighten up your ice cream; it’s so fun and playful, and it makes you feel like a kid again.

The problem is, you aren’t allowed to ask for them directly.

So instead, you employ other strategies.

Maybe you look around the shop at other people who have sprinkles on their ice cream and notice that they are eating chocolate ice cream. So you ask for chocolate ice cream too, hoping that it will come with the sprinkles by default. You don’t really want chocolate ice cream, but it’s worth it if it’ll give you sprinkles.

When the assistant serves you chocolate ice cream, he doesn’t put the sprinkles on, and your heart sinks a little.

Never mind… you have another strategy up your sleeve. You ask the assistant for crushed cookies because they are right next to the sprinkles bin. Maybe some of those sprinkles would have cross-contaminated and fallen into the cookies bin, and you’ll get some too…

Nope!

Undeterred, you push on. Maybe if you give the man a hint, he’ll understand… so you contort your face, making your eyes big, give a sweet smile, and purse your lips together in that same way you used to when you had the sprinkles as a kid…

He looks at you strangely and says, "Uhhhhhh, how would you like to pay for that?"

You draw your eyebrows together as though their proximity to each other were a gauge to communicate the level of contempt you have for the man standing in front of you.

He gulps, and his hand quivers as you pass him your cash.

As you turn to leave, you catch a glimpse of your friend sitting at the far end of the shop. Your eagle eyes notice she has sprinkles on her ice cream.

You practically sprint over there saying, “Hiiiiiii, so good to see you. Hey, would you like to try some of my ice cream?” (in the secret hope that she’ll offer the same).

“Oh yes, I’d love to, thanks so much…nom nom nom. So I’m just heading off now. I’ve got to meet my boyfriend and I’m already late.”

The only option left now is to explode and throw your ice cream at the ceiling and storm out of the room.

While this IS dramatic and slightly absurd, it is a common scenario that plays out in many intimate relationships.

The point is that we all have needs that we would love to get met through the relationship. But for various reasons, we don’t communicate those needs.

Perhaps we...

• Learned it’s shameful to ask for validation/acknowledgement/appreciation, etc.
• Absorbed messages from our culture telling us it's wrong to be direct about certain things.
• Never thought about what we need.
• Fear rejection if we were to ask for what we wanted.
• Believe we should be self-sufficient at all times.

But a need is a need. Whether we name it or not, it’s still there.

So our brilliant minds go about meeting those needs covertly.

I remember driving in my car with my partner years ago. I had an unspoken need for quality time and connection. We were going on a road trip, and to me, that meant hours of uninterrupted time to connect and talk, and for her to understand and connect with me on a deeper level.

What did she do?

• She went on her phone and caught up with her emails.
• She played loud music.
• She ate food.

I was seething. Within me, there was a contract which comes from my culture and upbringing, where it’s not okay for me to want or need that type of connection.

So I avoided communicating my need and instead got angry at her for “always being on her phone.” It turned into blame and criticism instead of being able to simply name what I wanted.

The poor woman had no idea of what I wanted or was expecting. It certainly didn’t bring us closer.

I see this type of thing regularly with 1:1 clients.

• Having sex because they want validation of their masculinity/femininity or sexual ability.
• Asking a barrage of questions because they hope it will stimulate conversation and create emotional closeness.
• Causing conflict because they want reassurance.

You might be able to see how trying to achieve one thing through doing something else is a strategy that could easily fail.

What's the way around this?

My suggestion (which comes from the alchemy part of my relationship model) is about getting conscious of what your needs are.

When you know, then you have a choice.

You can either communicate them directly:

• “I want more hugs and kisses from you. It helps me feel loved and secure.”
• “I’m feeling overwhelmed and I need some time to myself to reset. Would you mind taking the kids for a while?”
• “I want you to listen to me without interrupting. I have something difficult to communicate and would appreciate some space to articulate it fully so that I can feel as though you got the message.”

Or you can continue to use indirect methods of communication.

Indirect communication isn’t inherently wrong. John Gottman’s concept of bids for connection shows that subtle behaviors—like a sigh indicating a desire to talk—can be opportunities for connection.

However, if your indirect methods aren’t being picked up, it might be time to be more upfront about your needs.

Getting conscious of and communicating your needs directly simplifies things. It helps both you and your partner understand what's true and important for you. It makes your relationship more harmonious because...

You're getting your sprinkles.